I’m So Sick of Functional Beverages

It was the corporate Tyranny of the Seltzers that had me on the verge of having a very public crashout one afternoon at work. After staring at my laptop for five continuous hours in a fugue state, my contact lenses suctioned-cupped to my eyeballs and my lips chapped to a crisp from the recirculated air, I finally peeled myself away for a stroll to the cafeteria in hopes of a sweet pick-me-up beverage.